"Another cup of coffee ma'am?", asked the waitress. "Yes and thank you", replied Mrs. Robinson. The shop had been there for over a year, but this was her first time in. It was really too late to be out for a woman at her station in life, but she felt she had earned it. The Women's League had by all accounts succeeded in influencing three representatives and not one, but two state senators. They now had enough votes to pass the measure intended to help all those poor women across the state. Feeling satisfied at the thought, she turned her attention back to the coffee. "I don't know why people rave about the coffee here." She was a fixer though and after tonight a cup of coffee was no match for her; nothing that some creamer and a pack and a half of sweet-n-low couldn't fix.
She wrapped her hands around the cup savoring the warmth and glanced around the shop. Late night always brought out the ne'er-do-wells and tonight was no exception. A loudly conversing couple were sitting on high stools at the counter. She could see a twisted tatoo circling the woman's ankle. "I bet they've been out drinking", Mrs. Robinson thought, "and that boy will try something when they get back to the car. Not that it'll have been her first time in the back seat." she sniffed in disdain and looked away.
Her eyes landed on tuft of black hair at a table near the window. The angle was odd enough that she straightened her posture to see better. It turned out to be a man's head and a very pale-faced man at that. He seemed to be in such a deep sleep that his head was almost horizontal with his neck. Lifting her head more, she could see that he was clearly one of those Goth types. He was wearing a shirt as black as Satan's heart and Mrs. Robinson was sure that if she was one table closer she would be able to smell where he had been that night. A shudder arrived as her imagination brought the scent of sour sweat, smoke, and sex. This guy was a bad one all right. Who knew why he'd be sleeping off a binge in a coffee shop. Maybe he had beaten someone up and was hiding in the shop. What if that someone was a woman?
Mrs. Robinson's cheeks flushed with anger. This was exactly what she had been working for. Her group's legislation would keep this kind of worthless punk away from society. He'd be behind bars long enough that even a dumb jerk like himself would learn not to hit women. On top of that he shouldn't be using public areas like this as a flop house. "Where is that damn waitress," she thought. "Any place that lets drunken punks sleep it off on the premises won't get any more business of mine." She seethed as another minute passed with no sign of the waitress. Furious now, she decided to not wait on the check. Mrs. Robinson thrust her hand into her purse and grabbed some bills. Not caring that she was over-tipping the bad service, she simultaneously slammed the bills on the table and loudly scraped her chair back as she stood up. The commotion jolted the Goth awake and the waitress stepped back into the dining room to see what was happening. The waitress could see the two people staring at each other. One from having been rudely awakened and the other from the no longer obscured white clergy collar.
3 comments:
I am borrowing liberally from both your styles. I liked the way Kim used the couple on the bridge in her GPS story so lifted that idea and also took from Sean the use of dramatic human situations.
I like the buildup and the establishment of the woman as a sort of judgemental type who is surprised to find not all is as it seems. My only comment would be the phrasing of the final couple of lines. My first impulse would be to make your last two lines one sentence (though I am well aware of my own tendency towards long sentences with phrases separated by commas...or ellipses - the occasional dash; sometimes even semicolons!). I'd say just a little bit of rearranging and a spicy adverb or two, maybe modify the structure a tiny bit:
"The waitress could see the two people staring at each other, one startled by his rude awakening and the other shocked by the sight of the no longer obscured white clergy collar."
Or something like that...
Yeah. Mrs. Robinson was an obvous foil for the, um, older generation. That last part was weak and I actually turned over multiple scenarios, such as the "goth" being awakened by a family for grateful for some deed, etc., but couldn't figure out the ending. My run-on sentances will be the death of me. :-)
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